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Vern Pullen OTS 11/02/1987
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Apr 17, 2008 at 06:26 AM
World In Turmoil

 

(Dr. Pullen is Professor of Advanced Psychotronics at the International Jim Jones Mail Order University and cried all the way to the bank after learning that Liberace had died)



Some vicious last minute sub editing on the part of the On The Street layout department resulted in the grossly truncated nature of last week's diatribe and the omission of my own brilliant suggestion for the redevelopment of Taylor Square. Naturally this included the complete demolition of both the Bagel Shop and Kinselas and the construction of a three hundred    metre high monument to RADIO BIRDMAN inscribed in huge letters R.I.P. THE OXFORD FUNHOUSE - WELCOME TO DETROIT. Moet swigging civic architects will of course ridicule this idea as they suck on their French croissants and wiggle their bums to the latest hot disco dance mix. Gilligan's Island will be blown away like the Bikini Atoll in a nuclear holocaust of turgid town planning and Bauhaus revisited.

Hey, I'm in a filthy mood this week and the mere mention of either THE MOODY BLUES, RALPH McTELL, DOC SPAN, TOM RUSH, LIBERACE, ZZ TOP or THE NYLONS is likely to drive me into a totally uncontrollable fit of pique. Come on promoters, give us a break - any minute now and THE TROGGS will be back in town. And is it true Canned Heats personal beard masseur will be touring with ZZ TOP?

Speaking of beards, I received a rather bizarre letter this week from a reader in West Wyalong (supposedly the most clean shaven town in N.S.W.). A confessed beardophobic she suggested a unique way of combating the recent plague of overseas bearded boogie artistes, old British rockers and Kenny Rogers. Attaching a recent clipping from the esteemed WORLD WEEKLY NEWS she drew my attention to a catastrophic outbreak of giant BEARD LICE which recently devastated an entire mining village in Canada's rugged Yukon (supposedly the most bearded area in the Northern Hemisphere).



The giant beard eating YUKON LOUSE can grow up to six inches in length and can reduce even the bushiest beard to a pathetic pile of stubble within a few days. The LOUSE has such a voracious appetite that it has been known to devour huge hunks of flesh as it rips great portions of beard from its victims face in a parasitic frenzy too ghastly to even contemplate. These YUKON LICE have even been known to rip hairs from people's nostrils and in the most horrific incident to date a group of thirty or more invaded the local YUKON SEX SHOPPE, completely devouring the stock of imported Danish pubic wigs.

"Imaging the havoc, if you will," my dear reader wrote, "if a handful of these beastly creatures were sprinkled around the Sebel Townhouse." Within weeks the world would spread throughout the international community of bearded boogie artistes and performers from Dave Stewart to Madonna (remember Madonna is desperately trying to grow a beard so she can play the part of Tolstoy in a new twenty six part mini series set in the South Bronx). And the word would be - KEEP OUT OF AUSTRALIA, THE PLACE IS OVERRUN WITH LICE, YUKON LICE SO BIG THAT THE POLICE HAVE BEEN CALLED IN TO SHOOT THEM.

Surely this scare will result in CANNED HEAT cancelling their next tour and a whole jumbo jet load of worn out old hacks, pathetic sixties rock veterans and jaded    international one hit wonders keeping well away from our beautiful stores. A cage full of YUKON LICE can be kept at the ready at Taronga Park Zoo, an incredible tourist attraction in themselves and a warning to the international boogie beard brigade - DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS!

Next week I'm bound to be in a better frame of mind as I consume huge amounts of subterranean ambience at the LOSERS CLUB, watch a video nasty, bite the head off a box jellyfish, drive my bubble car the wrong way down Darlinghurst Road, punch myself in the head and generally have a ball.

 

Last Updated ( Apr 17, 2008 at 09:03 AM )