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Vern Pullen OTS 10/12/1986 |
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Written by Administrator
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Apr 17, 2008 at 06:25 AM |
SPLATTER CHATTER with Dr. Vern Pullen
(Dr. Pullen is Professor of Advanced Psychotronics at the International Jim Jones Mail Order University and now claims to have invented the world's first tinned pineapple and anchovy pizza)
The filthy smell of Dencorub pervades the air as the road crew fool with the band's evil black balaclavas and chew on lukewarm pineapple and anchovy pizzas. Poetic licence on my part, or is it just another insidious plug for Friday's big whammy at the Graphic Arts Club? Well, take your pick because once again it's that time of year when I bring you the annual JIM JONES UNIVERSITY ROCK AND MOVIE INDUSTRY AWARDS.
Everyone peddles out this kind of bumptious nonsense around this time of year like "BEST OTHER MULTI INSTRUMENTALIST" and "ROCK JOURNALIST OF THE YEAR" and hell, I'm just getting in early. With the help of my special Vic. 20 bionic cod piece and a pineapple and anchovy donut, dunked in a steaming hot mug of gunk from Francos, I've deliberated all this week on a set of awards that in time will be as prized as Papal Knighthoods.
THIS YEAR'S LINEUP FOR THE JIM JONES OPEN AIR ROCK FESTIVAL:
(All supplied with a one way ticket to Pitcairn Island)
KINGS OF THE SUN, NOISEWORKS, JOHN JUSTIN & THE THUNDERWINGS, THE BLEACH BOYS, THE EUROGLIDERS, BEATNIX, GONDWANALAND, and THE ZARSOFF EROS.
BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT OF 1986:
The failure of research scientists to find a fast and effective cure for ROCKABILLY and the realisation that this pernicious disease will once again be with us in '87.
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO "ATLANTIS" AWARDS:
THE COTTON CLUB (did it lose its vibe?), CASTLES IN SPAIN, THE 2MMM GIG GUIDE, THE RAMONES TOUR, HOT RECORDS, REAL LIFE, MANZIL ROOM QUICHE, BOX OF FISH, THE PARTY GIRLS, MANZIL ROOM SHOWCASE 287, THE ELECTRIC PANDAS, MANDU BANDU, MADROOM, RUN RUN, THE ZIMMERMEN, EDGE OF THE WEDGE, MATT MOFFITT and PRIORITY ONE????????????????
THE YEAR'S MOST EXCITING INNOVATION:
The fact that French's Tavern now offers a three course meal for less than ten dollars could hardly go unnoticed. Enjoy your pineapple and anchovy lasagne to the sounds of the year's most mentioned band in Splatter Chatter FEED TIME.
MOST DASTARDLY ACT OF '86:
The claim by one well known Sydney club operator that he rang George Wayne on 2JJJ using an assumed voice asking that a message be put to air that a rival venue's show that night had been cancelled.
MOST INCREDIBLE PROPHECY COME TRUE:
Regular readers of my column will remember my amazing prediction some eighteen months ago that with no more pathetic, broken down, alcoholic, junkie, overseas hasbeens left alive to tour (and line the bar at the Sebel Townhouse) that local promoters would soon turn to resurrecting the dead. I even suggested we might see John Lennon 'on ice' at the Sydney Entertainment Centre. Maybe the promoters should have taken my advice because "LENNON - THE MUSICAL" at the Enmore Theatre turned out to be the year's biggest stinker, although the Peter Jackson Rock Circuit came a close second.
APOCALYPSE NOW:
The sudden closure of the Manzil Room was greeted with scenes of unprecedented trauma in the rock music industry. Roadies wept openly in Springfield Avenue and Richard Clayton tour jackets were barbequed in protest. Former booking agents were noticed banging on the door at three thirty in the morning, weeks after the closure, demanding to be let in. A memorial service featuring members of the Kevin Borich Express will be held at the Wayside Chapel next week.
JIM JONES ROCK ENCOURAGEMENT AWARDS:
Awarded to any combo that was that desperate for a gig that they played either THE LISMORE or THE MUSIC CAFE as well as THE SPUNK BUBBLES, BE KIND TO BEAVERS, EXAMPLEHEAD, SOUTHERN FRIED KIDNEYS, DOLLAR BAG OF CHIPS, SMELLY TONGUES, INDUSTRIAL POODLES, BAD BREATH OF NICK CAVE, BARN OF THE NAKED DEAD, THE STOMACH STAPLERS - hell, is this another round of the Vulcan Band Comp?
YEAR'S MOST EROTIC TRIPLE:
THE HARD ONS, WET ONES and SPUNK BUBBLES at the Graphic Arts Club.
MOST PATHETIC ATTEMPT AT CREATING A STREET VIBE:
To the person who tried to paint a DOGS IN SPACE stencil over a fresh poodle turd outside The Music Cafe.
MOST DISGRUNTLED TOURIST:
NICO, reported to be about as much fun as stepping on a sea slug.
MOST EXTRAVAGANT CLAIM:
PEOPLE's advertisement in OTS last week in which they promised to "Rock Your Jocks Off". Tough luck, I don't wear any!
MOST DISGUSTING ACT:
The two members of a well known Melbourne art band caught and photographed in bed with a family size pineapple and anchovy pizza by a photographer from the Melbourne Truth. Later reported as "ROCK STARS IN PIZZA PARLOUR SEX SCANDAL".
WORST BAND NAME OF THE YEAR:
THE BOOZE BROS. Excuse me while I choke on my vomit!
Hey, this is starting to sound like one of those columns in The Daily Telegraph and not like good old Dr. Vern Pullen. Hell, I don't want to sound like some whiskey sodden, pot bellied, hack journalist churning out diatribes at the rate of thirty an hour. Naturally I'm off to see THUG at the Grapho this Friday along with BIG PIG and T.I.S.M. Sure hope they're not wearing that Dencorub though. That stuff really stinks! I was once travelling from Sydney to Melbourne on a bus and the big guy sitting next to me had rubbed that stuff all over his body. He stunk like a three day old pineapple and anchovy pizza and I suspected he was kinky! Until next week...
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Last Updated ( Apr 17, 2008 at 08:55 AM )
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The Works of Vern Pullen