If there is one thing in life that never fails to amaze me (apart from the sheer ineptitude of roadies) it is the ability of the Jones School of Business Enterprise to come up with what seems a never ending supply of money making schemes. Only last week they hit upon a fantastic concept to market a range of computerised pinball machines based on U.S. President Reagan's recent polyp removal operation.



The prototype is already in operation in thirty pinball parlours throughout Louisiana and South Carolina and early reports indicate that the PACMAN-POLYP game is pulling in more bucks than the new edible hair gel (which incidentally we are also marketing). The game is played by attempting to blow out as many polyps as possible in a sixty second period by manipulating the special laser beam joy stick. One slip of the stick and you could easily take out not only a bunch of polyps but the President's colon and small intestines as well. Hey, this is a fun game!

Well that was last week. This week, research scientists at the school have hit upon an even more brilliant money making enterprise. It's a totally new and revolutionary educational retraining concept specifically designed for former daily tabloid journalists, judges on Star Search and greyhound tipsters. Within a mere fourteen days we guarantee to take any numbskull or average meathead and have them writing for Stiletto or any number of similar publications.

Inner city dance club deejay and part-time Stiletto model Snake McGhoo models the latest in post Bahaus, transavantgarde, rockabilly, beach gear.

Trainees are immediately immersed in a giant isolation. tank filled with a mlxture of hair gel, specially lmported New York belly button lint, the odd polyp and an overpriced drink from any number of Sydney or Melbourne dance clubs. For three days the only contact with the outside world is a pair of Walkman earphones playing a specially prerecorded tape of Nick Cave reading selections from the personal memoirs of a Lebanese exe murderer.



After they are pulled screaming from the tank, trainees are then given the option of a night out to see Pardon Me, Boys or the chance to wrestle a ten foot python from our School Of Venomous Extraction. For some unknown reason snake wrestling has suddenly proved very popular amongst participants in this course:



In the School Of Advanced Semiology and Vocabulary Skills trainees are issued with a basic thirty word thesaurus which includes such useful bits and pieces of the English language as "transavantgarde", "Bauhaus", "rockabilly", "ideology", "film noir", "belly button lint" and "grotesque". There's no need to learn any more as Stiletto is full of pictures these days anyway. I read the last edition, word for word, cover to cover whilst waiting for a bag of chips to drop in a vending machine on Town Hall station.

After a quick haircut inspired by the brain surgery scene from "Bloodsucking Freaks" and a coffee house crawl down Kellet Street trainees are presented with their diplomas and a bill for $200.00. If that's not enough we offer as an optional bonus a special deprogramming course. If you soon get sick of reviewing the latest in Post Bauhaus film noir and rockabilly beach gear we'll soon have you spitting hyperbole and back cranking out Madonna anecdotes for your favourite afternoon tabloid.

Next week I'll be reviewing the new Nick Cave compact disc recorded live at the funeral of a famous Lebanese axe murderer. I'll attempt to unravel the real truth about President Reagan's colon operation in a special pull out section in full colour. I'll be talking to the Pogues at Rogues, The Festers at Chesters and the Amazing Wooloomooloosers, well you tell me! Until then checkout Grandmaster Jug at the National Jug Band Spectacular at the Graphic Arts Club.


(Dr. Pullen Is Professor of Advanced Psychotronics at the International Jim Jones Mail Order University and a personal friend of L. Ron Hubbard - wherever he may be)